Friday, 12 April 2013

The Chaos of my State of Mind

This week I dropped all of the balls that I have been juggling.
I dropped them at precisely 3:30pm on Tuesday. Apparently they were made of glass. They shattered and I have yet to glue them back together. I haven't swept them under the carpet, but I have left them in a pile of recrimination at my feet....

Mostly, it's because of my paid job. For a number of weeks now, I feel like twenty years of experience has been constantly questioned, evaluated, judged and found wanting.

I feel shattered.

See, I question my ability as a mother constantly. After all, I have only been doing that job for near on four years. I constantly make mistakes, and know that I have a lot of on the job learning ahead of me. Every day has new challenges. But I have felt confident in my paid-job for a while now. I have had a lot of validation of my worth as a teacher, felt confident about who I am in the classroom and what I do. I felt confident about returning to work full time - was prepared for the sacrifices it entailed. But not for the complaints, the judgement. Not to be feeling incompetent, not good enough. My paid job, was the one area of my life that I drew a lot of confidence from. 

And then 3:30pm Tuesday rolled through and I have been on leave since then...

For three days I have revelled in being at home doing housework. This is a sure sign I am mentally unhinged. After all, there is truly little joy to be found in scrubbing the insides of two putrid bins, but that little joy - hell I found it. My washing machine has had a thorough work out, those clothes have been folded AND put away. I have 8 boxes of teaching resources labelled and ready for storage. I have cooked for my family. I have swept up all of the cork tiles my husband has painstakingly removed from put kitchen and family room. 

I have slept. A lot. 

And tonight, I pulled out a book of quotes that I use at times like these, when I need something to guide me. This is the page I opened on: 

"Here's a two-step formula for handling stress. 
Step 1: Don't sweat the small stuff. 
Step 2: Remember, it's all small stuff." Anthony Robbins

And so, next week I'll start to piece some of those balls I need to juggle back together. 
Until then, I am going to revel in having my beautiful in-laws visiting from Queensland, admire the progress of the new timber flooring my hubby is installing, enjoy the company of good friends, snuggles with my children.


And breathe.

Have a good weekend, 

Jen x


  1. Jen,
    This is a brief message from someone who has had similiar experiences. My biggest critic was myself and in trying to make a difference in the lives of the young people I worked with, I hit the wall several times. Each time I felt hopeless and useless and questioned my purpose. The upside of hitting the wall is it starts you thinking and the more positive you think the more creative you become. It was in one of these moments that I imagined my "Magic Carpet" a simple idea to engage young people in life changing stories. I made it happen and it worked which gave me renewed enthusiasm and energy. Likewise you are on the brink of discovering something amazing about what you can do. The glass juggling balls suggest that sometimes things get broken so that they can be repaired and made stronger. One last thing. My current journey involves trying to isolate my ego so that I will be so easily offended or hurt.

  2. Hugs. We need to catch up Lx